How to make your own Ejaz Haider (at home)

So everyone loves an Ejaz Haider! But it ij not availabal every din and can become costly (due to subscripshuns). I too love columns of Ejaz Haider and after careful reading, I think I have reverse engineered the recibe!! The secret is simbal. The recipe has 5 major combonents: Demand Money–Act as if terrorism is normal–Show bravado–High sounding grabagic nonsense—Toilet/Adult jokes.

To beepuls who are afraid about cooking their own Ejaz Haider column, I am providing this ready to make recipe!! Ejaz Haider Column Generator!!

A. Sentence one: Choose one phrom each category: (Demanding money)

1. Not giving Pakistan money
2. Asking Pakistan to do too much
3. Expecting Pakistan to serve US interest for the money

Will only

1. Strengthen hands of extremists
2. Compel the Army to take over
3. Weaken democracy
4. Put region into Chaos

B. Sentence two: Choose one phrom each category: (Acting as if terrorism is normal)

Terrorism is a reaction which is justified because

1. Every country has done it
2. It is how weaker countries challenge the stronger
3. Oppressed people have no recourse
4. It is the leverage of the weaker against the stronger

in any case

1. US has indulged in it
2. India has indulged in it
3. Pakistan has indulged in it in the past several times
4. It is one of the 5 tools of statecraft

C. Sentence three: Choose one (Bravado)

1. Pakistan is here to stay
2. US cannot achieve strategic goals without Pakistan
3. India cannot pacify Kashmir without Pakistan

D. Sentence four: Choose one from each category: (High sounding nonsense)

1. The normative interpretation of inter-state relations
2. The consensus understanding of the spirit of Magna carta
3. An informed reading of Carl von Clausewitz

will indicate to an enlightened reader the nature of

1. Temporal-spatial nature of geo strategic relationship
2. Inter- and intra state transactions of state actors
3. Game theoretic achievement of Nash equilibrium

E. Sentence five: Insert your own toilet humor/male anatomy jokes here:

Here ij what I generated!!

Expecting Pakistan to serve US interest for the money will only put region into chaos. Terrorism is a reaction which is justified because it is the leverage of the weaker against the stronger, in any case it is one of the 5 tools of statecraft.  US cannot achieve strategic goals without Pakistan. An informed reading of Carl von Clausewitz will indicate to an enlightened reader the nature of game theoretic achievement of Nash equilibrium. There is a long glorious erection of flagpole outside my window. Tee heee. –Ejaz Haider.

As you can see, the number of variashuns are infinite!! Taking time to explore all of them will assure your career as an analyst and strategic thinker!! Post your own columns and variashuns!!

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14 thoughts on “How to make your own Ejaz Haider (at home)

  1. diyar major,
    with this ejaz haidet haj joined the esteemed ranks of writers like dan brown and chetan bhagat who also hab their own automated novel generator.

  2. Priceless. Shit however well decorated is – well… – SHIT!!!
    This chump is really too good to be true. And there are actually ppl who follow him ardently. Major 4 Urs Truly NEDAY….

  3. Wow..nice disassemply..and reverj engg..I’m sure Ejaz sab is going to lose his job..and tribune might hire Amir Mir to make shit up using your Ejaz bluster column generator…Looking forward to Mosharraf zaidi column generator..or similar disassembly..
    For example..the following..classic Mosharraf Zaidi piece..read it to believe it..
    http://www.mosharrafzaidi.com/2008/12/02/new-terrorists-in-an-old-context/

    PS:major..do you have a facebook page?if not..plz do..and post the link for the fans..it is very easy to miss your plog bosts..and it would be a real shame..

  4. majorly profound column, thanks!

    Mr. Haider always argues that other nations must not lecture Pakistan on its bad policies because others also followed similar bad policies. In his mind there is a difference though – namely that those other nations must pay off Pakistan for suffering blowbacks of its own policies.

    Nice if someday Mr. Haider would esplain to himself in suitable Clauswitzian paradigm whether Pakistan makes bad policies for purposes of demanding to be paid off?(his readers already know the answer)

    • I love the way Zaidi goes from economic analyst to political economist to security expert to terrorism consultant to political commentator to foreign relations expert to military observer to trade jack.

      Somehow, I’ve never managed to find his cv or profile that lists his academic and work experience qualifications.

  5. Thank you! I always wanted to be able to make an Ejaz Haider at home. It’s so easy – and you don’t even need a smaaaaaal aubergine!

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