- It all starts at a Chinese website famous for posting suspiciously photoshopped-looking blurry fighter jet pictures taken from behind the bushes: A suspiciosuly photoshopped-looking rectangular aluminium piece picture with apple logo which is blurry and is taken from behind some bushes.Apple fanboys and “analysts” go NUTS!! Rumors about hypothetical device that Apple may or may not be working on swirl!! The device may or may not cook your breakfast, double as an electric shaver for men and a lipstick applicator for women. The device will open beer cans, will have voice recognition, and dispense salt and sugar.
- People despair for 15 Apple media events, when Steve appears, bumps up the specs of Mac Book. Demos a “glorious feature” (IPhotos now supports folders!! IWork can now save to thumb drives!! The world has changed!!) and leaves.One inch from the point of despair and collective insanity of Apple fanboys due to unbearable anticipation, Apple sends out an invite, which may or may not have a coded message. People are convinced that since the message had a picture, it may or may not have something to do with a TV.
- On event day, Steve appears, introduces an electronic brick with one button, which blinks when the button is pressed.WTF?!
Steve calls it iDiot talks about how this will revolutionize searching for keys in the dark. Costs $999 and the button can be pressed by only fingers pre-approved by apple. The device will come only in one color and will blink only 3 times. The battery cannot be replaced and you would need to buy apple approved car keys to search for them using the device. The device looks like this:
“What is the difference between 4 Ipod touches pasted together and an Ipad? You can multi-task with the former, which is super distracting.” — Steve Jobs.
- Collective “meh” from the “analysts”. They talk about lack of features. Where is the camera? The toaster? Night vision lenses? It does not even come with blue tooth or 6.5G or wireless Z! Fanboys are angry!! Apply has let them down!! Steve Ballmer mocks it saying that Microsoft has 1000 products all looking iDiot-ic and sells 10 million per year.
“We have thousands of Idiotic products!!” — Steve Ballmer
- Apple releases said product. Everything is forgotten, like Pakistan forgiving the latest violation of sovirginity by the US. There is a mad rush to buy the product.
- Microsoft’s iDiot-ic market share is wiped out overnight!! Turns out their device used to freeze up every time the button was pressed and would electrocute users. The button was on the edge and could be pressed only by a needle you had to carry around in the pocket. Sometimes the needle would slip in the pocket, pierce places that shouldn’t be pierced and make some users sterile. Sometimes pressing the button would reset the device and the device itself was made of spit, twine, chewed up paper and bubblegum.Microsoft calls for a strategy meeting. Discussions about design and fixing the shortcomings of their product devolve into what color the packaging should be made of and what market segment to target. Microsoft strategists decide that a new device should be produced. “Hip” people who think like “Gen Z” and who are “living on the edge” who want products “their way”are identified as market segment.
The engineer at the back making feature recommendations is ignored.
- So shut up the pesky engineer, they take that perfectly okay geeky-looking Microsoft engineer and hire image consultants to do a complete makeover to make him look “hip” and “on the edge”. They make him the head of the development team.
J Allard who is not Hip. And not on the edge. Not ready to make an Apple-Killing product.
J Allard who is Hip. And on the edge. And ready to make an Apple-Killing product.
- Eighteen months later Engineer delivers!! Overruling his objections (hey, what do engineers know about products?) Microsoft branding does market research, names it “Zunekinbing” calls it a “Vampiristic new moon social media device aimed at a web 2.0 experience” they declare that it will be available in 8 colors! including “vanilla flavored, skinny double caffe hazelnut latte” color (unfortunately, the color is brown and reminds people of something else, so people buy only the black colored ones). The device looks somewhat like iDiot, though you can press the button and make your friend’s Zunekinbing glow. Since partners protested, this feature can be used only 3 times per month, after activating it with microsoft over the internet through a software whose download link nobody can find. Microsoft calls it “secret feature 69” Everybody at Microsoft holds their breath hoping that the “hip crowd” will catch on.
- Ballmer goes on air, in an effort to sound hip calls light as “goo” and switching on somebody else’s Zunekinbing as “squirting” and declares “You can squirt goo on my face, I can squirt goo on your face and we can do it together secretly while 69-ing.” All listeners throw up. The news gets reported and derided. The readers throw up. Ballmer has violated #1 principle of marketing: Never try to take possession of any word from the porn industry. You are bound to fail. Nobody buys Zunekinbing.
- Meanwhile, Apple releases iDiot-2nd gen, three months later for $999. It has a button on the front *and* the back. The first gen device drops 500$ in price. Rabid Apple fan boys storm blogs and loudly protest claiming they were swindled, swearing to boycott all Apple products all together.Steve jobs unflappably declares “It is an early adopter premium” and offers a $100 discount off of iDiot-2nd gen.
All the fanboys stop in the middle of the sentence while blogging, run to Apple stores and buy iDiot-2nd gen by the millions.
Steve lays back, lights his pipe with a $20 dollar note and gives out a loud rumbling orgasmic ecstatic laugh. Some analyst sees the rolled up note from the window, takes a blurry picture from behind the bushes and blogs and blogs
“NEXT APPLE PRODUCT. IT IS SHAPED LIKE AN ADULT ENTERTAINMENT DEVICE AND WILL GIVE YOU ORGASMS”