AMonkeyAsha with Taliban

Here is fluff piece I wrote for peace with the taliban. If anyone needs someone for more India-Pakistan type fluff pieces about Taliban or for track-II in exotic locale, yours sachly is available for writing and traveling duties.


Modi and His Electoral Prospects

Narinder Modi is an Indian politician who was born and brought up in India, never visited Pakistan and therefore he is a very familiar and controversial figure among Pakistani intelligentsia and chatterati. The elevation of Narinder Modi as BJP’s prime ministerial candidate has elicited a predictable sense of disappointment and outrage among Pakistani citizens. This sense of disapproval and anger seems to be broad based among all sections of the society.

A prominent Pakistani journalist who analyzes Pakistani politics and domestic issues said angrily

“I cannot believe Modi was elevated as PM candidate in India. This demonstrates that BJP is not an inclusive party and does not care about the opinions and the sentiments of Pakistanis”.

His sentiments were echoed by many Pakistanis who felt a sense of betrayal. It is widely felt that Pakistanis who strive for pluralistic, multicultural and secular societies in other countries like India, USA and Europe have been ignored. A prominent Pakistani TV personality exclaimed

“Modi has absolutely no appeal among the critical constituency of Pakistani elite who value multiculturalism in India. He is likely to win zero votes and endorsements among Pakistani liberals who want tolerance and respect for minorities in other places outside Pakistan”.

She pledged to do her best to defeat Modi and said

“Votes of Pakistani silent majority cannot be taken for granted by Indian politicians. Brave voices calling for minority rights in places outside Pakistan can never be intimidated”.

A common refrain among many Pakistanis was

“If Modi wins, I will stop going to India! A country run on the basis of religious ideology which does not protect minorities has no place in the modern world and does not deserve my money!”

It is widely expected that if Modi were to win, Pakistani tourist dollars which used to go to India might flow to countries in the Middle east which are perceived in Pakistan to be more multicultural and pluralistic.

Among the provinces, Modi was least popular in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa where opposition to Modi was total. Residents of Abbottabad who were celebrating the martyrdom of Al Qaeda fighters and had taken out a rally calling for eradication of Ahmadis declared

“Extremists like Modi who do not respect minorities have no place in South Asia”.

However the disapproval of Modi is more nuanced than it appears and he might have some support in Punjab. A Pakistani political strategist in Punjab commented

“If Modi were accused of involvement in riots against Pakistani minorities like Christians, Hindus and Ahmadis, and were to stand for elections in Pakistan, he would sweep all the seats! Nationalistic rhetoric, corruption free, effective leadership, pro-army stance, non-dynastic, development credentials AND anti-minority? That is a combination that cannot be beat in Pakistan! He will have 100% across the board support from all sections of Pakistani society: be it liberal, conservative, economy focused, or nationalistic. When will we have leaders like him?” He added “I wish there were more Pakistani politicians were like him.”

Several Pakistani political parties have commissioned studies on Modi to see how pro-development rhetoric can be added to their already perfect anti-minority credentials. A representative of Pakistan council of Business wistfully commented

“Pakistan needs a strong leader like Modi with single minded focus on economic development and anti-terror stance. If in the process a few Pakistani minorities get killed, that is just the icing on the cake”.

This opinion of Modi was summed up well by an Analyst in a prominent Pakistani think tank who wistfully declared in a jealous tone

“Modi is the right man, but in the wrong country. You would be 400% correct if you accused me of jealousy”

While it is still early to say if Modi will win Indian elections, whatever be the outcome, Indian elections of 2014 will be keenly fought and watched among Pakistanis whose opinion and votes will be critical in determining the next Prime Minister of India.

Editors Note: This article was started as a survey of Pakistani opinion of Pakistani politicians, but the topic was changed due to a lack of interest and response among Pakistanis.

Please don’t forget to read our next article where we cover Pakistani domestic cricket fans’ take on IPL management and movie lovers of Pakistan comment on how Bollywood has lost its way.

87% Of Pakistanis Wish Pakistan had Sheltered Osama Bin Laden in Abbottabad

A massive survey of attitudes in Pakistan has revealed that 87% of Pakistanis do not believe Osama Bin Laden lived in Abbottabad and wish that Pakistan had sheltered him in Abbottabad. Most Pakistanis denied that Osama Bin Laden lived in the Abbottabad compound, dismissed newspaper reports of the Abbottabad raid as “A conspiracy perpetrated by Zionists in USA to defame Pakistan as a terrorist sheltering country”, were of a strong opinion that Pakistanis would never shelter a terrorist like Osama Bin Laden and expressed regrets that “Pakistan did not do more to shelter and protect the great Sheikh”.

Psychology experts believe that such simultaneous belief of contradictory facts is fostered by the opposing requirements of wanting to believe in conspiracy theories, while generally hating the west. A renowned professor of Psychology in CMH-Lahore Medical College said “After my 20 years’ practice of Psychology, which is also my passion, I have concluded that usually it is quite simple to indulge in conspiracy theories as well as hatred for the west. Sometimes though, they lead to opposing conclusions — in which case there is no choice but to believe two opposite things at the same time”. He then proceeded to denounce psychology as a tool invented in the west to control the spread of Islam.

Seeking to explain this phenomenon, a prominent pro-American analyst in Islamabad said that “Americans are viewed with suspicion because over the past two decades, they have falsely alleged that Pakistan has supported and trained terrorists” he then conceded that “Though Pakistan has supported and trained terrorists for the past two decades, this policy is being revisited” He hastened to add that “American allegation over the past two decades of Pakistan supporting terrorists has no basis or evidence”.

The attitude of the remaining 13% of the respondents are not known, they declined to answer as their US visa was still under the process of being approved. On reading a preliminary version of this report, liberal sections of the Pakistani society called for greater dialogue, understanding and reconciliation between the two opposing factions in every Pakistani’s head.

Having Reasoned Conversashun On Teetar

How have you been? Good? Good. I have been fine too. What did you do yesterday? Watched TV? You slacker! I had informed discussion on teetar.

A simple enough question

With many RTs and many replies

Report on the Report on Shaikh Osama in Abbottabad

Since everybody and their grandmother, including Al Guardian have published “10 things we learned from the Osama bin Laden report” here is yet another introspective report on “What we can learn from Abbottabad Commission Report in Pakistan”

In short, what we can learn from the report is that:

It is a waste of everyone’s time to read reports written by commissions in Pakistan.

The rest of this report written by a commission of one (yours truly) will seek to answer the following questions:

  1. Was there an Abbottabad Commission?
  2. Did it write a report?
  3. Was the report useless?
  4. If so, is the fact that the report is completely useless a product of the commission’s incompetence, or due to something sinister like active collusion of the commission?
  5. What are the other things that one can learn from the report
  6. Recommendations

(1), (2) Going by the statements of the President, Prime minister, various newspaper articles etc, it does seem that there was an Abbottabad Commission. Going by circumstantial evidence such as its mandate to write a report, yours truly reading of the leaked report from Al Jazeera, it does seem with a high probability that the commission did write a report.

Now we shall proceed to analyze the central questions this report seeks to answer:

(3) Was the report a useless whitewash?

The answer in all probability is a yes. Among its startling conclusions, the report notes that

  • There is pervasive corruption in land registration and construction in Pakistan — which everyone knows and does not need an Abbottabad commission to tell them that
  • Traffic police will let you off if you bribe them — Here too, the report falls short of being useful. If the going rate were reported, It could have been helpful to everyone.
  • Police are generally incompetent and dont register an FIR — So what is new?
  • Politicians are generally clueless, powerless and more intent on managing perceptions rather than doing anything concrete — Please refer to various coups and daily newspapers. You dont need a commission report for that

(4) Is the fact that the report is completely useless a product of the commission’s incompetence, or due to something sinister like active collusion of the commission?

Given the incoherent structure, bad english and powerlessness of the commission, it likely seems to be the former. But just like how nobody knows if ISI and Pakistan army actively sheltered Osama Bin Laden, you never know.

(5) What are the other things that one can learn from the report?

(I) The report accomplishes its central objective

All great speeches crafted for the United nations addresses two audiences (a) The international community (b) The domestic constituency. Along the same vein, the Abbottabad commission too does an admirable job (a) It reassures the international community that the failure to capture Osama Bin Laden was due to incompetence and not due to collusion (b) It reassures the domestic audience that US successfully capturing Osama Bin Laden is due to incompetence and not due to collusion. In this effort, even the generals have expressed their satisfaction

Quoting Dawn: Some found solace that the commission did not find abetment of military personnel with the terror group or collusion with the US in the raid

(II) It does an admirable job in identifying the representative poster boy to illustrate the collective psychosis of Pakistan.

One Major Aziz, neighbour of Osama Bin Laden, is proud that Abbottabad is the home of the families of many terrorists (which, according to him, makes it extremely safe because terrorists dont bomb their own families). He diligently points out that dead terrorists are buried with great fanfare in Abbottabad. He quotes with great precision the various happenings in the Osama Bin Laden compound — including the landing, gunfights, blasts and fire and finally………..He goes on to doubt if Osama Bin Laden really lived in Abbottabad. That is considering the fact that Osama’s family was being held by the intelligence services of his employer, who would have been the first to broadcast to the world if Osama did not live in the compound.

If this is not illustrative example of Pakistan Syndrome — “Proud of the facts but doubtful of the obvious conclusion, because hey, it could be a jewish conspiracy” I do not know what is.

(III) Pasha is not getting invited to all-expenses-paid lecture tours in the US anytime soon.

(IV) In the immortal words of Pasha “Those who fear the ISI, should fear the ISI”

(6) Recommendations.

Please dont waste your time reading reports of commissions in Pakistan. But please do write several articles titled “What we can learn from the report produced by a commission in Pakistan”