Birth of a Liberal Pakistan!! (approximately after 70 years of screwing)

After Salman Taseer’s assassination (about which one of my fourth cousins had something to say), I read several articles lamenting the death of liberal Pakistan. These many excellent articles that you would have definitely read were probably written by a middle aged donkey resting somewhere in Peshawar. I base it on the fact that I get a profound impression of an (intellectually) lazy, gas emanating being typing out identical articles and concluded that the only possible explanation is an unemployed donkey. Who takes on foreign (Indian and the West) nom-de-plumes occasionally.

By now you probably figured that I disagree with those articles. If you hadn’t, let me formally state it. I formally disagree with those articles. So atleast by now, you probably figured that I disagree with those articles. Well, Good.

So what do I soch you pooch?

Salman’s taseer assassination, wimmens and gentlemards, heralds the arrival of an egalitarian Pakistan!

But Why!” you pooch?

Here is why. Liberalism, wimmens and gentlemards, is a belief in social justice rooted in individual liberty and equal rights. So how did social justice and equal rights prevalent before Salman Taseer’s assassination die on that day? Actually it didnt. Before going back to the begining, for dramatic effect let me start with the end. The day Salman taseer got assasinated, the elite suddenly realized that they cannot do what they wished, such as down a few or have their way with the blasphemy law, without the danger of their incensed security guard or domestic help firing off a clip in their direction. This, I suspect, the aforementioned muddle headed donkey has mistaken for the death of “liberalism”. What has instead died, I humbly submit, is the power over the common man which was usurped and weilded for so long by the the elites.

And that is because power has been democratized. And that is because everyone has a gun. Ergo, the power to shape the future and destiny of Pakistan, which used to lie with the elites is suddenly with the masses. Because every one of them has a gun, and unlike the elites, they seem quite comfortable firing it to protect their beliefs.

A round of applause for AK-facilitated egalitarianism!!

So what of this elusive little-understood animal (like the Yeti and “Silent Majority” of Pakistan) called Liberalism? More importantly what is and why Liberalism? Liberalism wimmens and gentlemards, among other things, is to ensure social mobility and equal participation in governance. And social mobility in yesteryears depended on access to capital producing goods. Like Land. Ergo, if Liberalism had existed before Salman Taseer’s assasination, Land reforms would have been implmented. Pray tell me how did that go? As you would have guessed:

Fantastically!! We had the Provincial Tenancy Act of 1950!!

Since yours sachly fancies himself as a story teller more than a lawyer (and is allergic to the word “WHEREAS” in all caps that every legal document seems to have) instead of describing the law, let me tell you a story. There are 1.7 million landless agricultural workers  in Pakistan and in January 2002 The honorable High court of Sindh dismissed petitions for the release of bonded laborers citing this very same act and declaring bonded laborers to be a “dispute” between Landlords and peasants. Covered by the Tenancy act. So much for equal rights and social mobility based on capital producing goods. So, did the “liberalism” enabled by tenancy act die with Salman Taseer’s assassination?


Did the egalitarianism of the threat of a few peasants banding together, declaring their landlord to be a blasphemer and shooting him in the head become a real possibility after Salman Taseer’s assasination?

Emphatic yes!!

So wimmens and gentlemards, I submit that egalitarianism has taken birth!!

Let us take the second aspect of social mobility. Education. The less said about this, the better. But let me belabor the point. Education in Pakistan has become a propaganda tool of the state. To supply canon fodder for the various Jihads. Afghanistan. Cashmere. And dont forget Dagestan. Before Salman Taseer’s assasination, it used to be the case that only the likes of Khaled Ahmed had a monopoly over dissemination of his (incoherent) opinion in English about how Pakistan is the guardian of Indian Muslims. Now after Salman Taseer’s assassination, Khaled Ahmed’s interpretation of the Nationhood of Pakistan is being challenged, (in an egalitarian way, let me hasten to add) by the products of our emiment education system who insist that the Nation of Pakistan means strict adherence to Blasphemy law. Now pray tell me, why does this diversity of opinion indicate the death of Liberalism?

Ladies and Gentlemards, a round of applause for free speech and the right to dissent (with an AK if the need arises) !!

What am I getting at here? Salman Taseer’s assassination is a tragedy. This piece is not about him, but about the other tragedy. The so-called “intellectuals” who are hemoragging columns after columns lamenting their inability to continue business as usual and realizing to their horror that their long neglect of Pakistan’s population and radicalization of the successive generations brought about by their hatred of India and the west and desire to maintain status quo has in fact enabled the opposite. That the very base of their authoritarian power to shape the future and destiny of Pakistan has eroded. They are simply using the death of a governor to lament the death of their authoritarian power over the masses. The very masses they neglected, manipulated and whose world view they grotesquely mutilated for their short sighted needs.

The future belongs to this grotesque semi educated, poor, landless, hatred infused, mullah directed armed Yahoos. And they are coming for you. To shape a society where more people are equal and have a right to shape their country’s future as they deem fit.

In short, a Liberal Pakistan. Ergo, Liberalism in Pakistan is quite fine. The elites who claim to practice it on the other hand….are F’ed.


PS> For an excellent writeup about Land reforms in Pakistan by Shahid Saeed, please see here:

PS> My fourth cousin’s goat suggests that the elites immediately jumping into the “Lets all find ideas to prevent blasphemy & uphold the blasphemy law” bandwagon is further proof of their aversion to Liberalism *and* AKs. So they should probably STFU and not write more articles lamenting the death of liberalism.



Governor Salman Taseer has been murdered. My condolences to his family. Full disclosure: He was the target of some sarcasm from my fourth cousin’s tweets, especially those concerning India’s space program, (which got yours sachly’s fourth cousin’s Patriotic goat because he thought that the real joke — Pakistan’s space program — didn’t get the credit it deserved for being the bigger joke). Nevertheless, as a self-made man with wealth made not from privilege, connections or Khaki, notwithstanding my fourth’s cousin’s tweets, *I* always thought of him as the vanguard of Pakistan’s future.


So yours sachly has been following twitter posts and achieved great enlightenment (not the Buddhist variety, please don’t shoot me for blasphemy!!) on how to proceed to build a strong and prosperous Pakistan and defeat the Mullah brigade. Here is my 3 point plan:


  1. As a nation, we should debate Hadiths at great lengths to determine what constitutes Blasphemy, and whether Blasphemy does in fact entail death as a punishment. By “nation” I mean well-traveled, middle-to-upper-class english educated people on Twitter whose tweets on non-assassination days involve booze, cricket, sexual innuendo, flirting and complaints about the latest gadgets. After all, their pronouncements on religion have much more credibility than shabbily dressed, hirsute madrassa educated firebrands who are employed in Mosques and preach everyday. Any debates along the lines of “I have traveled to a few places and have a modern education and am of the opinion that running a country with laws based on religion is a medieval proposition” should strictly be avoided. That would make Iqbal and the Quaid sad. If the Quaid said what I thought he said. But I digress. We need to defeat Mullahs in their own game!! More importantly we need to do a bait-and-switch on the questionable fence sitters (which would be 99% of the non-mullah population) who might be intimidated if we bring in too much modernity into debates and start denouncing religion as the basis of nationhood.

  3. While engaging in such a debate, care should be taken to protect Honor & Dignity. Western commentator says Pakistan’s laws are F’ed up? Scream “PALESTINE!!!!”. Indians taking the opportunity to brand Pakistan a medieval country where people cannot speak out without getting shot 27 times? Bring up the outrageous Arundhati episode where Hindu trained Zionist RSS terrorists did Hindu terror in her house and broke a flowerpot!! Keep in mind that *all* countries are as bad as Pakistan, they only have better PR. Fixing Pakistan is important, but not at the cost of hurting its “image” in the process!! Never for a moment even entertain the thought that Pakistan might be more F’ed up than any other reasonable-sized country and acceptance of this fact might possibly provide a good starting point.

  5. That brings me to the third issue: We must take a nuanced view and not end up criticizing all religious intolerance. Everyone knows that there are two types of Jihad. Internal Jihad and external Jihad. I heard it on TV once. I think that it means Jihad fought internally in Pakistan (“Bad Jihad”) and Jihad fought externally — say in India, US, Afghanistan, Palestine or Dagestan for that matter (the “Good Jihad”). While criticizing internal Jihad and religious intolerance inside Pakistan, care should be taken to balance it with vehement expressions of outrage when “OPPRESSED” indulge in external Jihad — say when a few fellows with nice sized rocks throw them on policemen in Cashmere and get shot at in the process. Ofcourse religion inspired ethnic cleansing of say, Kashmiri Hindu Pandits should be swept under the rug. Few cases of religious intolerance when a revolution is in the works are inevitable and should be condoned (Note: This applies only outside Pakistan, inside Pakistan please criticize all religious intolerance.)

And lastly, don’t let Salman Taseer’s death bother you for long. The next time Turkey sends a flotilla to Israel, Alms from the US or IMF come with strings attached, IPL does not take Pakistani players or some random Indian celebrity gets criticized in Indian media, the services of our collective outrage and short attention span would be in urgent demand.  I’d say Salman Taseer should be given half the time that was spent after Benazir’s assassination debating the use of violence as a state policy.


PS> As an aside, deep introspection has revealed that Kasab is not Pakistani. If he is, he is a non-state actor led astray due to atrocities in Cashmere & Palestine. Nothing about that episode or the lack of progress in the case indicates any sort of Society-Establishment-Mullah-Army-ISI-Judiciary-Politician consensus on using radicalization-inspired violence to achieve the objectives of the state. If you are not part of this consensus, you are part of the minority. And you know what happens to minorities in Pakistan…

Internashunal Community Should Help Themselves by Helping Pakistan Help Themselves to Cashmere

Here is my help to popularise to the 400% brilliant artecal “International Community should help themselves by helping Pakistan” which helpfully concludes

Consequently, what the United States needs to do, and this is not at all an easy job, is bring the Kashmir issue to the forefront. If they can come to some sort of conclusion concerning Kashmir, Pakistan will have no use for terrorist cells and hence create a more stable Subcontinent. Pakistan will be able to focus more on their economic welfare and the wellbeing of their citizens.

Such a clear articulation for the end of terrorist activities has never been written on the internets. Hugely encouraged, I wish to jump in and contribute as well. Here is my 400% endorsement titled “Internashunal Community Should Help Themselves by Helping Pakistan Help Themselves to Cashmere”

To understand the phenomenon of the terrorist infestatshun in Pakistan, it is important to understand the relevance of Cashmere issue and the part it plays in forcing Pakistan to train moojahids to fight in far away places. As it is well known,  in the past 4 years Pakistanis were implicated (and in many cases convicted) for terrorism in

  • France
  • Spain
  • Canada
  • Norway
  • Tunisia
  • India
  • US
  • Britain
  • China (Xinjiang Uighur Autonomous Region)
  • Russia (Chechnya)
  • Uzbekistan (Tashkent, Ferghana valley)
  • Dagestan
  • Tajikistan
  • Southern Philippines
  • Bosnia
  • Afghanistan
  • Iran
  • Maldives
  • Yemen
  • Saudi Arabia
  • Burma
  • Indonesia
  • South Korea

And that is just a few places yours sachly got in 5 minutes of Google News archive search.

Look at the list of places that will benefit if Cashmere issue is solved!! If you ask “What do these places have to do with Cashmere and why are Pakistanis & Pakistani trained terrorijsts attacking them?” you are most probably a Joo working for CIA, RAA or Mossad out to defame Pakistan. On the other hand, the first thing that should come to any patriotic Pakistani’s mind is “Whoa!! There is a place called Dagestan? And our moojahids know enough geography to go there and set off bums?”  YES!! And this is precisely the reason why even though Yemen is increasingly showing potential to challenge this record, WE ARE STILL NO 1!! AK Phyrr in air!!

Okay I got carried away and I digress.

Where were we? My support for an article which articulates why Cashmere is a  normal and legitimate explanation for using the State apparatus of Pakistan to terrorize the population of a neighbouring country by randomly killing innocent civilians.

Going back to the list,   look at the size of the Internashunal community that can help themselves by helping Pakistan help themselves to Cashmere!! Ofcourse, this will not solve *all* terrorism and will leave a few countries behind. Like Denmark (Stop drawing cartoons you Kuffars!!), Switzerland (Build more Minarets!!), Norway (Stop giving out Nobel prizes to Chinese dissidents!!), US (FREE DAUGHTER OPH PAKISTAN AAFIA!!). But that is for a later analysis on how remaining terrorism can be tackled. Right now let us stay with supporting the low standards of conduct the State has set for itself


PS> Several people have pointed out inconsistencies and addishuns to this blog post and I am listing them here.

    1. A reader feels left out that Pakistan’s accomplishment in Thailand has been ignored. 400% apologies! Pakistan trained moojahids have spread Pakistan’s name far and wide in Thailand as well.
    2. A reader points out that Dagestan is a Russian province. Another reader says that Dagestan is not a country at all, but is probably a Joo conspiracy to defame Pakistan’s image and RAA, CIA and Mossad are probably partners in this conspiracy. I agree with both.
    3. Another reader points out that Pakistani moojahids going to Dagestan is 400% proof of the wholesome madrassa ejjucashun preparing people with real world skills. Who said real-world subjects like Geography are not taught in madrassas hain?
    4. Another reader says that the internashunal community is obligated to help Pakistan and quotes one of my tweets
      “Pakistan is doing the whole world a favour by being Pakistan. Would you rather have your country be Pakistan hain?”


Common Pakistani Beepuls Greatest Charity Organization In The World!!!

Sourced Phrom Yawn Neuj

From 1971 to 2009, State Bank of Pakistan has donated money to the tune of Rs256 billion. The figures are brejented from 1971, becauje the modest State bank does not want boast the fact that their charity campaign accelerated from from 1997 to 2009 when they donated Rs202.5 billion to charity or about 80% oph total charity ever made in Pakistan betweeen 1971 and 2009. Of these, donashuns of Rs500,000 or more were made to 22,021 beneficiaries from 1997 to 2009 amounting to Rs202.5 billion. This figure was again brodujed to protect the haanaar and dignity oph 93 of those recibients who recieved Rs193.4 billion or about 96% oph all money donated between 1997 and 2009.

Thus, the 93 recibients got 75% of all donations made since 1971 by all banks of Pakistan. These donations are aljo referred to as “loan write offs” by State Bank of Pakistan and in wejtern accounting bractices it is referred to as “looting”. The 93 needy beepuls were identified through a comblex process of Madrassa Mathematics, Beshawar Bookkeeping and Sialkot Statistics by Shortcut Aziz after October 2002 elections to save their needy businesses. On asking why Rs193 billion waj donated, Shortcut Aziz said “These needy beepuls were identified by meticulously following the comblex lota relationship to the ruling barty boliticians and Jernails. Prudence demanded we donate more, but misunfortunately, Rs66 Billion had to be sbent on ejjucation in 2002”. It ij to be noted that Bakistan could have made the so-virgin decision of donating the Rs66 billion too if not for IMF meddling.

This is a broud moment of common beepuls of Bakistan whose taxes amounting to 3 years of total ejjucation budget of the entire country were donated for charity for bettering the life of 93 beepuls. Needless to say that such generosity is not seen among Joos, Yindoos and Qadianis.