Everything You Wanted To Know About Raymond Davis (But Were Afraid To Ask)

Raymond Davis works for the CIA. CIA is an organization in the USA. USA pays all of Pakistan’s bills.

Or, in the words of our taller than mountain, deeper than ocean friends:

Confucius say “He who should check his balls often, cannot hold head high with dignity”

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Cultural Concepts of South Asia–Part I

For the benefit of the Goras who might find it strange to get to terms with Pakistani South Asian cultural concepts, Yours sachly has produced a quick cheat sheet of terms & concepts. These are very useful when reading blog posts, listening to diplomats, "analysts", talking heads and the all too pervasive columnists you would come across in newspapers (Which about covers 99% of the Pakistani population). But first things first:

South Asian

Indians are Indians and Pakistanis when caught in tight situations (like in Airports) are Indians too. In other circumstances they are South Asians. Being "South Asian" offers many advantages. Such as an overwhelming numerical advantage.

Example: When faced with the question “Is radicalization a problem”? South Asians can reply with a straight face "Only 170 million, or less than 10% of the South Asians are radicalized". Which sounds entirely reasonable.

Glorious Victory

When Side A attacks Side B, and everyone in Side B is dead, save for one man with one leg, one eye and no arms who stands up and yells "Death to the Kuffars", Side B is judged to have won a resounding Glorious Victory. Because Side A is (non bious and) powerful, Side B is (bious and) not powerful, Side B always wins a Glorious Victory.

Other equivalent concepts: Hezbollah Victory, Kargil Victory (We internationalized the Cashmere issue), 1965 Victory (celebrated to this day), Simla Accord Victory (as claimed by ZAB), Baglihar Dam Victory, and the recent Talks with India Victory (as claimed by Shah Mahmood Qureshi).

My strategic forecast: Kishenganga Victory will be added to the list of Glorious Victories soon.

99% Solution to Cashmere issue

When someone gets booted from position of power, it is frequently used as a tagline to demonstrate they did useful and audacious things. Claimed by Benazir, Musharraf, Sartaz Aziz and everyone who was ever kicked out of position of power in Pakistan at various times.

Usage:Cashmere issue was solved 99.999% under my tenure and we were hours away from signing the agreement” (with subtle subtext that India signed away all of Cashmere, retreated from Siachen, gave away Sir Creek and resolved not to build any dams at all. Because we won a Glorious Victory in the battlefield and the negotiating table)

Please Note: It is a tactical mistake to claim that electricity problem, employment or the economy of Pakistan was 99.999% solved. Because that would just be plain absurd and ludicrous.

Free Aafia!!

When an issue is raked up provide a local advantage (such as raising the Aafia issue as a warning to threaten the political ambitions of Musharraf, who handed over Aafia in the first place) and ultimately ends up consuming scarce resources (such as the millions of dollars spent by the government of Pakistan for mounting her legal defense while the IDPs of Swat get loads of….Malaria) while becoming a huge headache, it is called Free Aafia!!

Recently Seen in: Raymond Davis and all other Honor & Dignity related issues.

Silent Majority 

Himalayan yeti. Nobody has seen it, but it is rumored to be big and powerful.

How to make your own Ejaz Haider (at home)

So everyone loves an Ejaz Haider! But it ij not availabal every din and can become costly (due to subscripshuns). I too love columns of Ejaz Haider and after careful reading, I think I have reverse engineered the recibe!! The secret is simbal. The recipe has 5 major combonents: Demand Money–Act as if terrorism is normal–Show bravado–High sounding grabagic nonsense—Toilet/Adult jokes.

To beepuls who are afraid about cooking their own Ejaz Haider column, I am providing this ready to make recipe!! Ejaz Haider Column Generator!!

A. Sentence one: Choose one phrom each category: (Demanding money)

1. Not giving Pakistan money
2. Asking Pakistan to do too much
3. Expecting Pakistan to serve US interest for the money

Will only

1. Strengthen hands of extremists
2. Compel the Army to take over
3. Weaken democracy
4. Put region into Chaos

B. Sentence two: Choose one phrom each category: (Acting as if terrorism is normal)

Terrorism is a reaction which is justified because

1. Every country has done it
2. It is how weaker countries challenge the stronger
3. Oppressed people have no recourse
4. It is the leverage of the weaker against the stronger

in any case

1. US has indulged in it
2. India has indulged in it
3. Pakistan has indulged in it in the past several times
4. It is one of the 5 tools of statecraft

C. Sentence three: Choose one (Bravado)

1. Pakistan is here to stay
2. US cannot achieve strategic goals without Pakistan
3. India cannot pacify Kashmir without Pakistan

D. Sentence four: Choose one from each category: (High sounding nonsense)

1. The normative interpretation of inter-state relations
2. The consensus understanding of the spirit of Magna carta
3. An informed reading of Carl von Clausewitz

will indicate to an enlightened reader the nature of

1. Temporal-spatial nature of geo strategic relationship
2. Inter- and intra state transactions of state actors
3. Game theoretic achievement of Nash equilibrium

E. Sentence five: Insert your own toilet humor/male anatomy jokes here:

Here ij what I generated!!

Expecting Pakistan to serve US interest for the money will only put region into chaos. Terrorism is a reaction which is justified because it is the leverage of the weaker against the stronger, in any case it is one of the 5 tools of statecraft.  US cannot achieve strategic goals without Pakistan. An informed reading of Carl von Clausewitz will indicate to an enlightened reader the nature of game theoretic achievement of Nash equilibrium. There is a long glorious erection of flagpole outside my window. Tee heee. –Ejaz Haider.

As you can see, the number of variashuns are infinite!! Taking time to explore all of them will assure your career as an analyst and strategic thinker!! Post your own columns and variashuns!!

How to Borrow Money Phrom Your Unkil

So you dont have a job, the roof of your house has collapsed, your kids keep setting your car on phyrr and you dont have any money. Fikar not! Everyone has a rich unkil! But how do I get money phrom unkil you pooch? Fikar not again! Yours sachly happens to be an expert. Yours sachly has an unkil. Unkil Samad. I fondly called Unkil Sam and have extorted much money phrom him. Here is a list oph things that worked.

1. Does your Unkil own a business? In which case, has it ever lost money and has your unkil taken loans and/or borrowed from his kids to cover for the losses? If so, DEMAND money like it is your birthright!! How do I demand you pooch? Fikar not. You can uje the eloquent words oph Hussain Haqqani:

“A company at the verge of failure is quite clearly able to get a bigger bailot than a nation that has been accused of failure,” Ambassador Husain Haqqani said in remarks at a Washington think tank…”That’s something that in this town needs a review”. Pakistan and Afghanistan deserve more resources than “some failed insurance company or some car company whose achievement is that they couldn’t make cars that they could sell,” said Haqqani.

As you might have no doubt observed, having a sense oph entitlement while simultaneously making fun oph Unkil’s failed business ventures can be quite helpful. Also please to note that companies making stuff they cant sell is funny, doing that at a country-level is a different and quite serious issue altogether. Blease to 400% make sure you lose that irony.

2. Unkil still not convinced? Hint that your hungry kids will burn his house down! How to do that with straight face you pooch? Fikar not! Shah Mahmood Qureshi to the rescue!!

“We are not going to allow them (terrorists) to take advantage or exploit this natural disaster,” Qureshi told reporters in New York yesterday. The result “depends on how effective and quick the response is. That is why it is so important that the international assistance comes immediately.”

But ij using your poor destitute childrens as selling points and hinting that they might become terrorijts a honorable thing to do you pooch? Joo idiot! Do you want the money or not? If you care about haanaar that much, restore it by beheading your wiphe.

3. Okay scared Unkil gives you money but insists that you fix your roof and wants to send his servant to make sure your kids dont burn his house. Now what to do?

Simbal! Protest hugely about how you know how to spend his money, arrest his servant and tell your kids you have been dishonored! Then do what you ujually do with the money and when it runs out, back to step 1! Isnt this fun?!

And oh, encourage your kids and turn a blind eye when they burn his house down anyway to show that you haven’t lost any honor due to shameless borrowing!

Scared People Attend Book Party, Dont Really Defy The Taliban

By now you might have figured that the phrase “liberal people of Pakistan” severely annoys yours sachly’s goat who goes nuts and writes blog posts.

So this lazy sundin yours sachly opens newspapers and what does he see? Krachi Literature Festival!! Where about a hundred authors and about five thousand people gathered to “defy the taliban and talk about books and not bombs”!! (paraphrased) where among many things people indulged in:

Reimagining a state that presently “breaks bread with the Americans during the day and sleeps with the Taliban at night” and of course “You know that all is not lost when eager readers turn up in the hundreds to witness a former nun open a literary festival” Whoa! So a bunch of people gathered to talk about books, re-imagined the future of Pakistan which happens to be a tolerant society!! (or at least will become one by the time the literature festival ends)

While their safety is of atmost concern,  articles insinuating that literature-loving intelligentsia form the vanguard of Pakistan’s saviors were a bit hard for your sachly’s goat to chew and digest. The goat started to wonder “Is this whole fixing Pakistan thing a PR stunt for the festival or are they serious?” So yours sachly’s fourth cousin tweeted:

So I think it is safe to conclude that no taliban defiance is going on in Krachi Literature Festival. It is a bunch of  scared people having a party about books. And just in case you had any lingering doubts (or any hopes about the whole Blasphemy law issue and/or liberal people saving Pakistan)….

PS> For more rants, please see yours sachly’s comment response.